The In-Between

I am in this strange phase right now. I am not sure how or where I am heading. And yet — I am just proud of myself for the way I am managing. The way I am dealing with things. I am not even sure about right or wrong anymore. All I am doing is placing blind faith in the universe, in God, in that higher power. Let's see where it takes me.

I am open. So open.

I thought and expected things were moving forward. But it was slower than I imagined — I needed to have more patience. And I am all okay with that. One thing I have observed about myself: I am not trying to manipulate anything. I am not trying to control anything.

There is a lot of patience and courage I would say I have built. I have had lots of rejection. I gave my best. I worked so hard. I am working hard. But things are not impacting me anymore the way they used to. So I am happy in that way.

Now it feels like everyone is going somewhere. Some friends have started having babies. Almost all of them are married. Close ones are getting married. And there's this feeling — that I am still figuring things out. Till last year, I felt like my professional life was on track and I just needed to work on the personal side. Suddenly, I need to work on both. Both became a priority.

But somewhere I feel that this period has given me the space to figure out what I truly love and like to do. That is a blessing in itself.

On the personal side, I don't have all the answers. But one thing I am preparing for — I am ready to live this life on my own. I am not going to compromise on that, whatever it takes.

But also — still, there are some days I really feel the longing. Having my own family. Having someone to share things with. My own home. My own person. My own family. Where I can rely on someone. Where I don't have to wonder what's next. Sometimes, you just want someone there so you don't have to figure it all out on your own.

Having said that — I am not going to put my life on hold, waiting for that person to feel love and happiness. I am living my life. Trying to live and feel each moment. So let's see whatever it is. I guess I am ready. We don't even have options anyway.

The good part is — I am financially able to make my own decisions. Now the time is to just keep going and trust the universe. I have really started seeing a difference. So yes, let the universe guide me. The job, the partner, the life I am dreaming of — I know it's here somewhere.

So let's just keep walking. Live in the moment. One day, one moment at a time. Let's see what is there for me.

One thing I am really proud of — I am not trying to fit in. I am becoming the person I always wanted to be. I don't feel desperation and lack anymore. I don't really take things personally now. And I have slowed down. This is the biggest achievement for me.

I am confident now to express whatever I feel. I have increased my appetite for risk. I have increased my patience for the things I deserve. Most importantly, I have learned to love without expectation.

So let's see what comes next. The job I am dreaming of. The relationship I am ready for. I am not going to chase it. I am going to draw it to me.